Legal humour

In a trial in a small Texas town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked: ‘Mrs Jones, do you know me’?

‘Why, yes Mr Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment. You lie, cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise that you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you’.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: ‘Mrs Jones, do you know the defence attorney’?

She replied: ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. His law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him’.

At this point, the judge called both attorneys to the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said: ‘if either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt’!

Counsel: ‘By that time you were as drunk as a judge, weren’t you?’
Judge: Mr Smith, the usual expression is ‘as drunk as a lord’.
Counsel: ‘As your lordship pleases’.

Fortune teller: ‘Prepare yourself for a shock.  Your husband is going to die a violent death within a year’.
Woman: ‘And will I be acquitted?’

Judge: ‘I am sentencing you to six months in prison’
Defendant: ‘Ha, I’ll do that standing on my head!’
Judge: ‘Then make that twelve months it will give you time to get back on your feet’.

A woman was suing her neighbour for slander and defamation of character.  Under cross-examination, her counsel asked her to tell the Court exactly what words the neighbour had used.  ‘Oh, I couldn’t do that, sir,’ protested the woman.  ‘The things she said weren’t fit for any decent person to hear’.
‘All right’, said counsel.  ‘Just come over here and whisper them to the judge’.